There were those tiny stretches of time,of exhilaration, where I most definitely thought that I finally had the world in my grasp and that the universe had finally decided to bend to my will-Hitler style. And more often than not, it did.
But when it did not, I would, just like the rest of the world, blame everybody else for my boring shit. I frankly did not deserve a reminder of life’s impermanence. I did not need any reminder that my uncle Joe was slaughtered in cold-blood by heartless freaks in the middle of a cold Nairobi night. Murder.Death.I heard somebody once said that Death is what gives Life meaning. Curse that guy.He doesn’t know the pain of having somebody you love so much wrenched away from your life.Just like that.Bam.And for what? Money? Politics? Hate?
I would contemplate suicide and think of sailing to the high seas and drowning myself in rum and brine.But what good would that do to anybody, forget myself. I honestly did not derive any sense of purpose in living, existing,breathing, loving, hating, envying,winning, sinning or any other of those things I did on a daily basis.I craved to be an animal. To forget my human essence and live by my raw instincts.Pursue my ambitions with a single-mindedness that I cannot even relate to, that seemed alien to my very self.But what good would that do to society?
Fuck society and all of it’s stereotypical bullshit. I thought myself a sinner and a rather thorough one for that matter. My girlfriend(ahem,she doesn’t exist anymore) would often point out to me the amazing adventures we would have together.
“Let’s live in this moment baby. Admit it, sinning feels so fucking good. Let’s drown ourselves in this stretch of time.Just you and me.Forget everything else.God can sort himself out…” she would religiously say, rather ironically.
I wanted to tell her so bad how much I hoped that God existed and feared that he didn’t, after all. She would ultimately shoo away my dark thoughts and change the subject to a more sensual one-Jezebel style.
“If it’s darkness we’re having, let it be extravagant….,”she would say.
“What do you want?”
“To be in Hell with you..”
In the midst of the bliss and her soft moans I would feel a terrible despair that this would be over soon. This high.The Cloud Nine. She told me it made her feel alive.That she’d feel it in her toes.That it woke in her a refreshing feeling of newness.
And did she know what it did to my conscience?And she’d soon need money for the Uber, the airtime, the hair, the make up, the blunt. I really did not mind spending money on her. The’re was this feeling i had when i was with her.A feeling of freedom, of pleasure, of madness.Wild. One that I could not bear letting go of.
I’d tie a noose around my neck and wait for the wonderful sound of my neck snapping and my unfortunate life ending.And realize that Heaven and Hell are but just the creations of man’s insecurities on Earth.
But does God exist? I cannot answer that, and neither can you, and there lies man’s greatest tragedy. We are often faced with life’s unfortunate circumstances and unanswerable questions and where do we turn to?Faith.The Bible.And hope that the Almighty God in His everlasting throne above will solve all of our problems. I’m no Jesus though.But you can crucify me if you want. No l’s given either way.
But still in the grand scheme of things, stuff still seems to work out, even if they don’t, if you know what I mean. And all of those things that make us humans. The raw human emotion.The Animal instinct. The focus.The determination.The sinfulness.The insecurity. The family. The hope.The despair. The good. The bad. That’s who we are. We will fight for our lives, hope to the end and make it work out.
Just as my favorite rapper once said,
“… Sex, money, murder-these are the breaks…
…Sex, money, murder-our DNA..”